I know that sounds horrible. "Your husband is leaving for nine months and I don't care?!?" But it isn't like that. When I try to think about it...when I try to mentally prepare myself, it goes something like this. "Okay, in a few days Arthur is going to wake up, kiss you and the boys goodbye, and then he isn't coming home for nine months...." and that is about how far I get before my brain short circuits and I suddenly find myself thinking about what color I should paint my kitchen cabinets.
I haven't exactly figured out if this is a practice of self preservation, like I would be so D-pressed that I would unable to get out of bed in the morning if I really let myself take it all in. Or maybe with this being our first deployment, it is like preparing for childbirth. I am just blissfully unaware of what is really in store so I have nothing concrete to focus my anxiety. Maybe next time, when I know what is coming, I will chase Arthur around the house crying and clinging to his leg begging him not to go (I still have almost a week, I guess there is still plenty of time for such a breakdown).
Both explanations seem reasonable and likely, but I think that the main explanation is good old fashion D-enial. No matter how many FRG meetings I attend where they talk about it, how many camouflage bags get packed in my living room, or conversations we have with Jake to help him prepare, there is still a huge piece of me that still does not believe it is really happening. The idea of Arthur leaving me or the boys for any long period of time just seems like such a ridiculous thought that my brain won't even waste time thinking about it. "I'm sorry, I think I just hallucinated!" it seems to say any time I let the thought creep in.
So instead of accepting the elephant now sitting on top of me, I walk around feeling uncomfortable trying to figure out some home decor project that will make me feel better. Talk about trying to find a tangible solution to an "un"fixable problem. Who knows, maybe I can just keep on pretending it isn't happening by distracting myself with interior decorating. No, not likely...because no matter what color my kitchen gets painted or how many cute pictures I hang on our walls, the truth is, home won't feel like home until he is back in it.
