Water and Buckets

Schools out for Summer!

Okay, not entirely, but this is as close to "out for summer" as we have ever gotten.  Most days we are keeping up with our math, reading, and violin, but that is about it!  Long gone are the grammar lessons, spelling words, and history lessons!  Can you tell what has taken their place?

I am attempting to figure out a schedule that will work with the changes of the coming year.  We have decided to rejoin a Classical Conversations Community, but we are heading to Nashville to do it.  This commute sounds a little crazy until you factor in that both Jake and James will be playing for a soccer club in Nashville also.  But practices are only twice a week and they are held on the same night, so I actually think this will stream line things.  And with Arthur's business now operating 100% out of Nashville, it just makes the most sense.

As the ages of our kids continue to spread I am trying to be very conscious that the littles don't just get swept up into the activities of the older two.  I know that there are only so many hours in a day, but I am hoping to find some balance.  I want to make sure everyone gets what they need...and hopefully, some of what they want too.

My biggest regret of last year is that I didn't spend the time reading with Scarlett like I did when the boys were little.  So this coming year,  I want to make sure that Scarlett and Jonah are getting to hear all the little kid books rather than always listening to Mystery of History or Aesop's Fables.  They deserve some Good Night Moon and Corduroy too.

I try to remind myself that my real job as a homeschool mom is to educate my children and help them grow spiritually, emotionally, and academically.  Each day I try to add drops to their bucket.  I like this analogy particularly on the days (weeks or months) when progress feels slow or when "school" looks more like crazy life than the neatly organized schedule of Pinterest board dreams.  Scarlett can cracks eggs all by herself!  Drop!  Jamie passed off another song on his violin!  Drop!  Jake was able to calm himself down after getting frustrated with his math...before he really lost it!!  DROP!!  Jonah is so loved and protected by his older siblings!  Drops for everyone!

I am in a slight panic about how we are going to get it all done.  I have been doing this long enough to know that no matter what awesome schedule I come up with, there will still be lots of things left undone each day.  I am trying to learn to be okay with that. Sometimes it will be the laundry, other times it will be a clean kitchen, and some days I might look around and wonder if I got anything done other than keeping everyone alive.  Any mother will tell you that the list of to-dos is always longer than a day will allow, but add the schooling element and I think the list can feel even more daunting.  So instead of striving for an unattainable goal, I am starting this year excepting it is impossible.  That sounds motivating, right?  Just so you know, Jill, you have failed before you have even started!  Every day there will be things undone...lots of them!  Haha!  Luckily that isn't the direction my thoughts are going this time (at least this very minute).

Instead of get overwhelmed and defeated, I am using this reality check as a way to free myself a little.  I want to wake up each day and intentionally give that day to Christ.  I want to fill my days...our days in the way He would have me.  This past year has taught my that I cannot rely on my own strength to muscle myself through my life.  I have seen how quickly my own bucket dries up, and then I am left tired, burned out, and a shell of the mother/wife/woman I long to be.  I know that Lord has called me to homeschool my children...I also know that "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they should accomplish  the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)  So I need His strength, His vision, His perfect love, and His grace to show me that way this coming year.  If I can get out of my own way and let my Savior guide, He will fill all of our buckets.  After all, He is the Living Water.

Feeling the Light

I started writing this post in May, and while unfinished, I feel like it is important to record these words.  REWIND TO MAY:

I keep thinking I need to rename this thing The Lonely Blog because...I know, like that needs an explanation?  It is the middle of May and I haven't posted anything in months.

During the second half of 2016 and most of this new year, I have felt like I have been trying to drink from a fire hose.  It has been overwhelming and incredibly draining.  Anxiety and emotional exhaustion take turns overrunning my mind and suffocating my joy.

My life is beautiful, my life is so blessed...I do know how lucky I am.  But somehow knowing that, just makes those dark moments darker.  I know the beauty is here.  I can see it all around me.  So when I struggle to feel it, deep guilt and panic set in.  "Your children will never be this age again!"  "Everyday they get a little bit older."  "Soon they will be grown and gone and you will never get this time back."  "Do more!"  Do better!!"  "Time is running out!"

I think I am starting to feel better.  Or at least I feel better until I don't.  But those times of hopelessness do seem to be happening less and less...

FAST FORWARD TWO MONTHS

Well, it is now the beginning of July, and I can honestly say that I am starting to feel like me again.  Life's daily tasks don't feel so daunting and more of the light and beauty of my life is penetrating into my soul.

I am so grateful for my children, but this past year, it has been my sweet Jonah who has helped keep me grounded and present.  When the waves of anxiety and hopelessness would attempt to sweep me away he has been my tether.  There have been countless times where my solace has been found snuggling my squishy snuggly boy.  Gazing into his darkening hazel eyes, feeling the warmth of his chubby hands against my checks and chest, watching him drifting off to sleep...his peace becomes my peace.  In my arms, Jonah feels safe and loved, and holding him makes me feel the same things.  He is reminder of what really matters and what life is all about.  His life, here, has just begun and the beauty of the heavenly home he just left behind is still with him.

I listen to a talk today, at church, that touched my soul so deeply.  It reminded me that I am not just raising my children, I am raising brave and valiant children of my Heavenly Father.  They have been saved for this day, and they are here for a purpose.  I humbly pray that I will always see them as He sees them, so I can help them on their journey to become the men and women they were sent here to become.

I want my children to know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, God's only begotten son.  Too often I try to rely on my own strength and I know they see me struggle in that.  So I want to do a better job of relying on my Savior in all things.  I want to submit to His will and let Him make my weak things strong.  I want to do better than to just tell my children that I believe in Christ, I want them to see it in every aspect of my life.