Back to Blogging...for real this time!

I think I have started this blog about a million times in my head over the past several months.  Each "mental" blog starts out differently depending on my mood, the child I am focusing on in that minute, or memory I am anxious to record.  However in this season of life, there is little time to sit down and write the fleeting thoughts that dance around in my head.

There has been an overwhelming amount of newness in our lives lately.  We live in a new home in a new town.  We are in a new ward meeting lots of new people.  Even our business is new.  It has a new name, a new look, and by this fall a whole new identity as an actual restaurant.  Thinking back to were we started nearly four years ago, that piece alone feels almost unbelievable!  But as I am surrounded by all this newness, I am surprised at how comfortable I am with in it.  

I use to label myself as someone who hated change, as someone who didn't handle it well.  But somehow, here I am...handling it.  Maybe even handling it well...or at least not horribly.  I think it is because the most important things in my world really haven't changed at all.  Where we live is different, but the people that make it a home are still with me.  My ward may be different but the Gospel is still the same.  Honestly, I am grateful for all the change.  It feels fresh and clean.  It is a new start in a way, or at least an opportunity to reevaluate and reset.

Our three years in country feel like a crazy blur.  We had life begin and end in that home.  We created some beautiful memories and also experienced some of our greatest trials.  This move has been a gear shift, and it is just "us" once again.  I am excited for the place we are in now.  I am excited to see what the future holds, but I am also perfectly content in the moment I am in right now.  

 The kids continue to grow like weeds!  Jake will be in 5th grade next year and Jamie will be going into second.  Even though we continue to homeschool, I can still feel the change.  I came very close to tears talking a couple other moms about the end of another school year (at least for the "normal" public school kids).  We, of course, were talking about how quickly the time goes because well, it just does.  But in that moment I had such intense gratitude that the Lord prompted us to homeschool.  Because yes, it does go by heartbreaking fast (when you look back) but I have hardly missed a minute of it.  They are home with me and I am so blessed to share all of their childhoods with them.  I know I would have regretted it if I had given this precious time to anyone else.

So here are a couple of pictures of our crazy crew playing in front of our new home.  They are each other's best friends.  Scarlett is already crying about the boys attending a soccer day camp for four days next week.  She used to call them "her boys" and while she doesn't say the words out loud quite as often, I know those words are forever written on her heart.  She can't imagine her life without them...even just for a few days.  But I think she'll survive.  Anyway, i can't help but smile when i look at these pictures.  They perfectly capture the way they play together and love each other.  This is them...and this might be the greatest blessing of homeschool!

An end of the year update

And just like that, is it December!?!  I had dreams of a big fall family shoot, but life just kept getting in the way.  So with Arthur's help and a little football, we did a quick photo shoot in the back yard.

I felt a little rushed and I didn't get quite as many pictures of all four kids looking in the same direction and smiling at the same time as I would have liked.  But let's be real, I could have probably taken 200 more pictures and I still wouldn't have anymore eyes looking at the camera, right?

Although, it really doesn't matter which direction these sweet faces are looking, they are still my favorite!

This year has been full of change and new experiences for our family.  The "big boys" or "brothers", as Scarlett now calls them, have been playing for the Tennessee Soccer Club out of Nashville.  It has been a big commitment, but I have seen so much growth and hard work from both of them.  The part that took the most adjustment for me was getting use to the boys being gone a couple of evenings a week.  It has forced me to except that they are moving into a new phase of their childhood.  Over the years they will spend more and more time out of our home doing actives and being with their peers.

Honestly, I don't think my momma heart could handle it if we weren't homeschooling.  For now, they are still "mine" during the days, so I am okay with them being away for a couple of evenings a week.  However, it has been a good reminder for me to make good use of the time we have together because it is precious and it won't last forever.  They are amazing people, and I am grateful the Lord called me to homeschool our children when Jake was just little.  I could never have imagined the blessing it would be.  I will never regret that my children spent their school years at home.

In additions to soccer, we have jumped back into a Classical Conversation community this year.  As much as putting one more thing into our week overwhelmed me, I knew it was what we needed to do.  I am grateful I did not ignore those promptings because this community has been an answer to so many prayers!  The Lord has never left me alone in our homeschool journey.  Every
time I feel like I don't know the next step, someone or something is placed in my path to make it possible for me to continue.  When I step back and reflect our experience, I can say without a doubt, that would never have gotten to this place without my Savior.  My favorite part of the CC curriculum is that everything is connected and everything is connected to Him, because it really is.

With Jake being in upper elementary school, he and I need direction on what to do next so he can continue to be challenged and develop in his eduction.  The Essentials program has been amazing for his writing development and for his understanding of grammar and language.  I am blown away by how much we learn in just two hours once a week.  I am asking myself constantly, "What the heck did I learn in school because I didn't learn any of this!"  The first few weeks overwhelmed Jake (and me) a bit, but he is sticking with it, and I can see things coming together for him.  This was the answer to helping Jake bring his writing skills up to match his voracious reading.

Classical Conversations has also been exactly what James needs too.  When I tutored the 4/5 year olds 3 years ago, Jamie was a able to join my class even though he was only 3 when we started.  Back then, he refused to do the weekly presentations.  Getting up and speaking in front of people has always made him uncomfortable.  He has never even given a primary talk, although he now does violin concerts without complaint.  This year he is like a different kid.  His teacher had to push him a little on the first week, but now, he is comfortable and confident when it is his turn each week.  I actually think he looks forward to it.  Two weeks ago, he even offered to give another boy's talk for him in primary because the boy had a sore throat.  It is so amazing to see your children overcome something that was once such a challenge.  I hope he can remember that hard things don't stay hard when you keep practicing and pushing yourself.

Then there is my Scarlett girl...  With only a few more weeks until her forth birthday, I find myself reflecting oh her growth often.  There is a wildness in this one, a fire that burns deep with in her soul. She can be so challenging because she feels intensely.  You see it when she paints.  At three, she already paints with drama.  Bright, dark, and bold colors fill the paper with interesting textures and unique brush strokes.  I can't help but watch her as she works, feeling like I am getting a glimpse into her soul, all the while wondering how she decides what her next move will be.  But I don't know if she really decides, I think it may just be a feeling.  But even with all her drama and her artistic nature, she also craves order and structure.  She decided she was ready for "school" before I was quite ready to add her into the mix.  So after a couple months of dragging my feet, her school drawers are now filled with kindergarten workbooks and she is happily working her way through them.  I thought we would do another year of more hands on montisorri jobs, but she really wanted something more "traditional".  So now she is writing her letters and numbers, learning to solve basic addition problems, and I think it is time to pull out our Hooked on Phonics.  She is incredibly bright and while she wouldn't start kindergarten until the fall of 2019 it is obvious she is ready now.  But I am being careful not too push and to let her take the lead in her learning.  Watch out world, because when this girl sets her mind to something there is no stopping her!

And then our Jonah Bear!  He just lights up our lives and none of us could imagine our family with out him.  He is usually mellow but he has a goofy side that reminds us very much of Jamie at this age.  Out of all our babies, Jonah is by far the best about car rides, but he has a limit and when he hits that point there is no about of snacks or Elmo that can quiet his frustrated cries.  This can lead to some very long car rides back to our house in the middle of the country.  (Did I mention that this usually mellow boy also has a stubborn streak?)  This boy is obsessed with balls, especially soccer balls, and he constantly wants to play pass with his Daddy.  I am reminded so much of Jacob at his age because I swear they both learned to walk just so they could kick a soccer ball easier.  His timing and coordination is amazing for someone so young.  We tease the older boys that Jonah is far better at getting his daily touches in (well, he really is).  He has impressed quite a few soccer dads with his skills while we hang out on the side lines of Jake and Jamie's soccer games and he may have left several toddlers in tears after running up and dribbling their balls away. 😬 As for us, we are as obsessed with him as he is with soccer! You are growing up too fast, but we are enjoying every minute.  

Mother's Day Violin Recital...Scarlett's 1st Debut

My Scarlett girl had an exciting first this past May.  She played in her very first violin recital.  While I am not sure if she will have a life time love for the violin, I am certain this girl has fallen in love with being in front of an audience!

I honestly had no idea what Scarlett would do when her turn finally came.  She has watched her brothers do this her entire life, and I knew she had practiced her piece countless times (bows and all).  But she is three...and she is Scarlett.  Those two factors equal a perfect storm of unpredictability.  She is confident, but she needs to feel in control.  She is adventurous and is usually willing to try new things, but it has to be on her terms.  I knew her performance of The Ant Song would be perfect or it would be a complete disaster.  That is my girl, there is never an in-between.  Luckily, the stars were aligned in our favor that afternoon and Scarlett was heartbreakly adorable!  I was told, more than once, that she stole the show.  I can't say I disagree.

Scarlett playing The Ant Song

Jake also did an awesome job!  Our week had been a little crazy with my dad in town, but mostly due to Jamie's fall from a tree and breaking both of his arms.  As a result, Jake didn't get very much practice in during the days leading up to to the recital.  But he has become such a pro at this.  I don't know if he even gets nervous anymore.  He has been working on Suzuki Book 2 this year and it is so fun to have our home filled with real classical pieces when he practices.  His progress has been slow and steady these last 5 years, and I am grateful for the lessons in hard work and perserverence violin has been for him (or should I say us).  I am grateful we didn't give up when the months and months of Twinkle seemed like they would never end.  He now does all his practices on his own.  He has taken complete ownership over this piece of his education and I it makes me so proud, but more importantly, I can tell it makes him proud.

Jake playing Bourree by Handel

I would love to rave about Jamie's performance because I know he would have been great!  But something about double arm casts makes holding a violin a little tricky (aka impossible).  He had worked so hard and he was so ready!  He picks up new songs quickly (it helps that he knew them all long before he ever had to play them), but the public performance part of the puzzle took him a couple of years to warm up to.  However, over this last year, I have seen James's confidence grow.  He has found is own voice and now speaks up for himself in public/social situations.  I know it isn't always comfortable for him, but I see him push himself and I think it gets a little easier each time.  It is amazing to see your children master something that you know has been a challenge for them.  So while I didn't get to see Jamie play at the Mother's Day recital, I am so grateful for the role violin has had in helping him do hard things, and I am so proud of him!

And thanks to Tio Lui we even got a family picture out of it!  Unfortuently, I didn't get a picture of Granpda Dave, Aunt Robyn, and Tio Lui.  We always appreciate the family love and support our kids get from our family at events like these

Happy Birthday to YOU, Jonah Bear!

We celebrated our Jonah Bear's first birthday at the beginning of this month.  His birthday was on a Thursday, but we waited until Sunday to have our little family party.  It is hard to believe that it has been over a year since he was first placed in my arms.  It is hard to not to get emotional that the tiny baby chapter is already over, even though I know how much fun we are going to have with him as he grows.

I will never forget how content and calm Jonah was to begin his journey here on earth.  I actually tried to hand him back to the nurse 3 times because he just wouldn't cry.  I remember telling him, "You've got to cry!"  With him being 2 weeks early, I was terrified that we were going to repeat the scary start we had with James.  But the nurse would just reach down, give him a little rub, and Jonah would give one little cry and then fall back asleep in the crook of my arm.  This happened 3 times.  All the while I just held my breath, praying he would keep crying, and waiting for the nurse to get tense and scoop him up.  Time seemed to stand still.  I knew I just had a few more seconds with him before everyone else realized that something was wrong.  Then, just before full blown panic set in, I heard the nurse tell the respiratory techs, who were standing the door way, that everything was great and they could go.  It was then that I let myself relax and finally take in the perfection of our new (and apparently very mellow) little addition.

We spent the rest of that day and night (and pretty much the next 3 month), just snuggling.  There is nothing more magical that the feel, the smell, the innocence of a brand new baby.  How do you describe meeting someone you already knew.  It is like, "Oh yeah, it is you!  We've been waiting for you!"  And a year later, those original thoughts haven't changed, this boy is a gift from heaven and he was always meant to be a part of our family.

Arthur and I were not the only ones who couldn't wait to snuggle our new baby boy.  Jacob, James, and Scarlett couldn't wait either.  Finally, after months and months of watching my belly grow, it was time to meet Jonah.  They had all fallen in love with him before he was even born, and they were so eager to welcome him into their ranks.  I was worried that Scarlett would be jealous, but she never was.  While she would get frustrated with me at times, she never once took it out on her new little brother.  She has always been an awesome big sister.  And the big boys...well, no one could ask for better big brothers.  They even make me a little jealous that I didn't have one or two.

Jonah has brought so much joy into our family.  While he is our most mellow baby, he definitely doesn't lack in personality!

His favorite things include Daddy, soccer balls, climbing to the top of the stairs, dropping things on the floor (usually proceeded with an Oo Oh), and playing with his siblings.  He just learned to color on paper, and the boys were thrilled when he started pushing the cars around on the floor the other day.  He loves to sing, and he can't help but dance when music starts playing.  Jonah understands pretty much everything we say, and he loves to talk (even if we can't understand 95% of it).  His English vocabulary includes works like "tat tu" (he is very polite when he gets what he wants), chic-in, Jac-up, lots of "yay"s.

I don't know if Jonah will be our last baby, but even if there is one more, I do know that I am on the tail end of the baby phase of my life.  And anyone who knows me, knows that breaks my heart a little to admit, but Jonah really has been a baby that makes my mommy dreams come true.  So I am just trying to soak it all in.  

Jonah Michael, you are a sweet boy!  Like your big brother James, you have a warmth and light about you.  You have been blessed with a smart mind and a strong, healthy, coordinated body.  We anticipate that you will tower over all of us before we know it.  I know you are here to do great things.  It is an honor to be your Mommy.  I love being the person who can calm your cries, nurse you to sleep, and make you belly laugh just by kissing your neck.  While, I know it will not always be so easy to make your world right, I promise my love for you will be a constant in your life.  My love for you is unconditional and "as long as I am living my baby you'll be!"  

Happy 1st Birthday Jonah Bear!!

Water and Buckets

Schools out for Summer!

Okay, not entirely, but this is as close to "out for summer" as we have ever gotten.  Most days we are keeping up with our math, reading, and violin, but that is about it!  Long gone are the grammar lessons, spelling words, and history lessons!  Can you tell what has taken their place?

I am attempting to figure out a schedule that will work with the changes of the coming year.  We have decided to rejoin a Classical Conversations Community, but we are heading to Nashville to do it.  This commute sounds a little crazy until you factor in that both Jake and James will be playing for a soccer club in Nashville also.  But practices are only twice a week and they are held on the same night, so I actually think this will stream line things.  And with Arthur's business now operating 100% out of Nashville, it just makes the most sense.

As the ages of our kids continue to spread I am trying to be very conscious that the littles don't just get swept up into the activities of the older two.  I know that there are only so many hours in a day, but I am hoping to find some balance.  I want to make sure everyone gets what they need...and hopefully, some of what they want too.

My biggest regret of last year is that I didn't spend the time reading with Scarlett like I did when the boys were little.  So this coming year,  I want to make sure that Scarlett and Jonah are getting to hear all the little kid books rather than always listening to Mystery of History or Aesop's Fables.  They deserve some Good Night Moon and Corduroy too.

I try to remind myself that my real job as a homeschool mom is to educate my children and help them grow spiritually, emotionally, and academically.  Each day I try to add drops to their bucket.  I like this analogy particularly on the days (weeks or months) when progress feels slow or when "school" looks more like crazy life than the neatly organized schedule of Pinterest board dreams.  Scarlett can cracks eggs all by herself!  Drop!  Jamie passed off another song on his violin!  Drop!  Jake was able to calm himself down after getting frustrated with his math...before he really lost it!!  DROP!!  Jonah is so loved and protected by his older siblings!  Drops for everyone!

I am in a slight panic about how we are going to get it all done.  I have been doing this long enough to know that no matter what awesome schedule I come up with, there will still be lots of things left undone each day.  I am trying to learn to be okay with that. Sometimes it will be the laundry, other times it will be a clean kitchen, and some days I might look around and wonder if I got anything done other than keeping everyone alive.  Any mother will tell you that the list of to-dos is always longer than a day will allow, but add the schooling element and I think the list can feel even more daunting.  So instead of striving for an unattainable goal, I am starting this year excepting it is impossible.  That sounds motivating, right?  Just so you know, Jill, you have failed before you have even started!  Every day there will be things undone...lots of them!  Haha!  Luckily that isn't the direction my thoughts are going this time (at least this very minute).

Instead of get overwhelmed and defeated, I am using this reality check as a way to free myself a little.  I want to wake up each day and intentionally give that day to Christ.  I want to fill my days...our days in the way He would have me.  This past year has taught my that I cannot rely on my own strength to muscle myself through my life.  I have seen how quickly my own bucket dries up, and then I am left tired, burned out, and a shell of the mother/wife/woman I long to be.  I know that Lord has called me to homeschool my children...I also know that "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they should accomplish  the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)  So I need His strength, His vision, His perfect love, and His grace to show me that way this coming year.  If I can get out of my own way and let my Savior guide, He will fill all of our buckets.  After all, He is the Living Water.

Feeling the Light

I started writing this post in May, and while unfinished, I feel like it is important to record these words.  REWIND TO MAY:

I keep thinking I need to rename this thing The Lonely Blog because...I know, like that needs an explanation?  It is the middle of May and I haven't posted anything in months.

During the second half of 2016 and most of this new year, I have felt like I have been trying to drink from a fire hose.  It has been overwhelming and incredibly draining.  Anxiety and emotional exhaustion take turns overrunning my mind and suffocating my joy.

My life is beautiful, my life is so blessed...I do know how lucky I am.  But somehow knowing that, just makes those dark moments darker.  I know the beauty is here.  I can see it all around me.  So when I struggle to feel it, deep guilt and panic set in.  "Your children will never be this age again!"  "Everyday they get a little bit older."  "Soon they will be grown and gone and you will never get this time back."  "Do more!"  Do better!!"  "Time is running out!"

I think I am starting to feel better.  Or at least I feel better until I don't.  But those times of hopelessness do seem to be happening less and less...

FAST FORWARD TWO MONTHS

Well, it is now the beginning of July, and I can honestly say that I am starting to feel like me again.  Life's daily tasks don't feel so daunting and more of the light and beauty of my life is penetrating into my soul.

I am so grateful for my children, but this past year, it has been my sweet Jonah who has helped keep me grounded and present.  When the waves of anxiety and hopelessness would attempt to sweep me away he has been my tether.  There have been countless times where my solace has been found snuggling my squishy snuggly boy.  Gazing into his darkening hazel eyes, feeling the warmth of his chubby hands against my checks and chest, watching him drifting off to sleep...his peace becomes my peace.  In my arms, Jonah feels safe and loved, and holding him makes me feel the same things.  He is reminder of what really matters and what life is all about.  His life, here, has just begun and the beauty of the heavenly home he just left behind is still with him.

I listen to a talk today, at church, that touched my soul so deeply.  It reminded me that I am not just raising my children, I am raising brave and valiant children of my Heavenly Father.  They have been saved for this day, and they are here for a purpose.  I humbly pray that I will always see them as He sees them, so I can help them on their journey to become the men and women they were sent here to become.

I want my children to know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, God's only begotten son.  Too often I try to rely on my own strength and I know they see me struggle in that.  So I want to do a better job of relying on my Savior in all things.  I want to submit to His will and let Him make my weak things strong.  I want to do better than to just tell my children that I believe in Christ, I want them to see it in every aspect of my life.

Blank Pages of 2017

Hello 2017!!  I am actually so happy to see you!  Don't get me wrong 2016 was great!  It was filled with blessings, trials, lessons, and the birth of another beautiful boy.  We survived another year as a home school family and our little taco truck is thriving!

This past year, Jacob made the important decision to follow our Savior and he was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The day was made even more special because my mom and dad as well as Arthur's cousin Robert were able to be here to support and celebrate Jacob's choice.  James spent the year working hard at learning to read, and I couldn't be more proud of the progress he has made.  He also continues to be an example of Christ like selflessness and kindness in our home every day.  Scarlett has blossomed from our crazy beautiful baby into a strong willed, smart, sweet, sassy, still crazy beautiful little girl.  She sees herself as one of the "big kids" now, and while it is always a little heartbreaking to watch the baby fade, I adore the girl she is growing into so much! Jonah has brought more joy and love into our family.  We delight in his smiles, giggles, and "fight" for his open mouth kisses.  I love watching our children's heart burst with unconditional love for him, and I know they are learning lessons of service and love that they will carry with them forever.

So here we are on the first day of a new year, and I feel nothing but excitement.  The coming year feels like a book of blank pages, but instead of feeling overwhelmed or having case of writer's block, I am just looking forward to filling them with my favorite people.

True to form, I did not get Christmas cards out again this year, but I did get some shots of my kiddos on Christmas day.  So for those of you who follow this little blog of mine please consider these pictures your Christmas card.  Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years to you!