Reflections

As neglected as this little blog as been over the years, I have profound gratitude for the memories and photos it has preserved. Jake was just a few days old when I remember crying (okay, weeping inconsolably) because I was already keenly aware of how quickly the time would go. I knew that the tiny baby in my arms would be grown in a blink...and I was right. Here we are, less than 3 months away from his 18th birthday. It feels impossible. My only solice is knowing I had all his minutes. Choosing homeschool meant that I got to spend his whole childhood with him...I will be forever grateful to that stubborn idealistc mom who refused to share her little boy's childhood. It goes much too fast to give so much of it away...that is the message, the warning, I would give to any new mother.

So here I stand, almost 18 years later, now a mother to 7 incredible people.  Several years ago I wrote the following as part of blog post when Jaren turned 1 and it sums up how I feel about this season of my life: Jaren is likely our last and the end of a season of pregnancies and tiny babies that has filled over a decade and a half of my life. Watching him grow is the most beautiful heartbreak. As he hits each milestone, I remember all of his siblings doing the same. In his littleness I can see theirs too. No one ever needs to remind me how quickly it goes because I live it every day. In our home we have one boy who is nearly grown, one who just took his first steps and every stage in between. Being his mom, being all of their mom, is the adventure and joy of my life.

Obviously, Jaren wasn't our last...2025 blessed us with Jaxx. I believe these two were a package deal. I could not have one without the other. And so I am so grateful I get to finish my motherhood journey the same way I started it...with two little boys..best friends (hopefully) and brothers. Our family palindrome complete: 2 sons, a daughter, a son, a daughter, and 2 more sons.

Time for an update!

There is a chance...a pretty good chance that I have lost nearly all of my pictures.  Somewhere north of 40,000 between smart phones and my "real" camera.  The series of events aren't worth recapping.  But as I prayed for peace over this heartbreaking loss last night, I was reminded of this blog.  

So today I finally logged back on and was thrilled to discover that many of my very favorite pictures, ones I was devastated to lose, are here!  I am so grateful to past me for putting in the time to record these precious moments in our family's journey.  And it is the reminder that present me needed to try again.  Life moves so quickly and it is important that I pause every once in a while so I can process, record, and reflect.  

Here we are at the end of April in 2024.  Our family has grown by 2.  I never imagined being the mother to 6, but I am immensely grateful for each of them!  Days go by in a blur of school work, meals and dishes and the weeks fly by with practices, games, and social events (mostly Scarlett's).  Today Jake is eye to eye with Arthur and James passed me up on his 13th birthday just like Jacob did.  Both boys are in entering their last week of their respective challenge years, and summer break is almost here!

I have goals to make some fun memories this summer.  My hope is that this blog will be full of fun pictures of trips to waterfalls and lakes.  The kids are counting down until the neighborhood pool opens next month.  And while I am also looking forward to this summer, I am in disbelief that it is already here.  

Jake is 16 and on the final stretch of his time as one of the kids.  I feel the transition as he shifts into a young man.  And while it is exciting and wonderful, it is just as terrifying and gut wrenching.  And as we come to the end of his Sophomore year, i am grieving.  It feels weird to grieve someone when they are standing in front of you...but motherhood is to live in a space where you feel every emotion in the same moment.  When he was just a couple of days old, I remember holding him in my arms and sobbing.  I knew then how quickly it would all go and how he wasn't really mine...he was always on loan.  They all are.

James is right behind Jake.  My Sweet Baby James is now a handsome teenager.  He is still the kindest person I know, and I often feel like we don't deserve him.  However, there is a little bit of an edge to him now.  Having Jake for a brother has probably toughened him up, but in a good way.  James and Jake are still the very best of friends and I think they would both choose hanging out together over anyone else in the world.  James has really risen to the "challenge" of his first year of Challenge.  I knew the workload was going to feel overwhelming at first because 7th grade is a big transition year in CC.  And I worried he might shut down.  But he absolutely did the opposite.  His drive, discipline, and confidence have all increased this year and I see it in all aspects of his life soccer, school, socially...he is coming into his own and it is a joy to watch.

Scarlett is probably the most creative person I have ever met.  The ideas she comes up with and the things she creates blow me away.  Skylar loves to play with her because she creates the most amazing imaginary worlds for them to visit.  But Skylar is left devastated when Scarlett is ready to do something else even if they have played for hours.  Friend time fills Scarlett's bucket and she has developed some very long lasting friendships over the years.  Given all our moves and how young she was when she met some of these girls, it is a testament to how special she is that these relationships have endured.  Amelia and Ellsa specifically have both been in her world for over half her life!  Since moving to Murfreesboro she has developed friendships through church and in the neighborhood.  But don't get on her bad side cause that fire and attitude is still in full effect.  And while I don't enjoy being on the receiving end and being called things like "grumpy mom 2.0", I secretly admire it! 

Jonah is a big boy now.  He is tall, thin, and athletic as ever!  Arthur has spent the last two years as his club soccer coach and it has been a special experience for them both.  Being the third son, I think it was nice for him to have something unique with his dad.  He is a work horse and has incredible drive and discipline for someone so young.  That combined with nature talent, they sky is the limit for him.  He is also that way with is school work too.  He is bright and learns quickly.  Like James, Math seems to come easily for him and he has really enjoyed taking piano lessons this year.  He makes friends easily and is happiest outside going from one sport/game to the next with the neighborhood boys.  He can hardly wait to the pool to open and for summer break to be here so his friends won't be in school all day. 

Skylar is our sensitive girl.  And very often her big feeling overwhelm her and she needs mom's snuggles and assurance to help her feel calm and safe again.  I am grateful she came after I had some motherhood under my belt because I now have the patience and experience to let ride her wave of emotions without getting swept away with them too.  As a baby we used to call her the "Soul Starer" because she would just look deeply into people's eyes like she was looking right into the depths of their souls.   That natural intuition and ability to read people has remained her super power and we really try to respect her read on people and situations.  Maybe it is her native ancestry.  She is our Baby Bean, so that would make sense.

Jaren is our cutest guy.  He is nineteen months and he is feeling more toddler than baby these days.  His vocabulary is exploding and he is now starting to add verbs and speak in phrases.  Like his older brothers, he is already obsessed with soccer.  He dribbles, passes, and shoots the ball better than most kids several years older, and like Jonah at that age, he seems to already have some understanding of the game.  there is no shortage of attention for him at home.  Someone is always willing to play pass, jump on the "tampeen", take him outside, or build him a marble track.  He adores his daddy and listens for his truck so he can run and give Arthur big hugs when he gets home from work.  It melts Arthur's heart every time.  But he has that affect on all of us!  He is just the perfect amount of goofy and sweet and he is all boy!  

Jonah's Last Night as a 3 Year Old!

Oh my Jonah Bear,

     Tonight will be the last time I put you to bed as a three year old.  Tomorrow you will be four.  You were so excited today when you realized you "just had one more sleep" (I love that you count time that way).  Tomorrow you will be a little bit older, a little bit taller, and if last week's bread trimmer incident is any indication then you will likely be a little bit naughtier too.  And it is beautiful because it is just what you are suppose to do.  You came here to learn and grow, and I am grateful to be a part of it.  But oh how it breaks a momma's heart because each day you are a little further from the tiny baby they placed in my arms almost 4 years ago.

     Last night you fell asleep in our bed (you almost always do) and I carried you up stairs, tucked you in and kissed your forehead.  You weren't even there an hour before you were crawling back in bed with me.  Honestly, I didn't even mind.  I know that one day you won't come down anymore.  One day you will stop needing me in the middle of the night.  You will sleep in your bed all night just like your brothers do (notice I didn't say sister).  So last night, I just snuggled you and enjoyed you still being my baby boy.
     I have learned that the firsts in a child's life are obvious and celebrated, but the lasts usually go unnoticed until one day it hits you that something has stopped but you don't know exactly when it happened.  Lasts are often subtle that way.  It is probably that by design...

     You are wonderful.  You are smart, funny, and dangerously coordinated.  I have never seen a three year old wipe around on a bike the way you do.  Your soccer touches are also pretty incredible and I love to watch your determination when you are learning something new.  In school you know your numbers and have started addition and telling time.  You can write all your numbers too, but sometimes you will still ask, "What does a ___ look like."  Your favorite book while you were three was Old Hat New Hat, but you have started to pick some new ones lately.  Our favorite Jonah expression is, "do it by my own" and we hear it a lot because you are very independent and want to do most things that way.

     Your smile gets you out of trouble more often than it should, but your cocky laugh has the reverse effect.  Usually, you are independent and fearless, but that can quickly crumble into tears if I am too far away.  I love that you still need me, and I always try to respond quickly because I believe your childhood should feel secure and safe.  You love to do anything with the big boys, and you love to play "mom and kid" with Scarlett.  You love Skylar, but you also love to "big brother" her and lately it seems to be you life's mission to wake her up from everyone of her naps.  But as three year old siblings go, she is pretty lucky, and I know you two will have lots of fun and get into lots of trouble together.

     There is nothing better than a Jonah prayer and it is clear from listening to them that you know that Jesus loves us and that you love Him.  You are also the honorary food blesser and while you may not be the baby anymore, you clearly get "Baby Boy" status.

     I don't have the time to blog like I once did, but I couldn't let this Sunday pass without recording what is in my heart today.  One day I hope you read this and know how intensely you are loved, how blessed I feel to be your mom, and what a special part of this family you are!  I thank Heavenly Father each night that I got another day with you!  Happy 4th Birthday, Jonah Michael!!

   

A good friend of mine does this thing where every night she journals about one thing about each of her children.  She mentioned it months ago and loved the idea because it seems doable.  So I am going to give it a try.  So here goes nothing:

Skylar just turned three months!!!  She is very likely the last and I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my pregnant and newborn days are behind me.  But the future is bright and I think I am ready for our family to grow up together from this point.  And if Skylar is the last one, then she is the perfect note to end on!  She is sweet and chubby and she loves to be held and snuggled.  She isn't always the best napper, but she has been an amazing night sleeper since she was born.  I think there have only been two or three night that I have actually has to get up with her.  Co-sleeping for the win!  She can nurse during the night without either of us really having to wake up.  As for Skylar's "one thing", she has realized that her hands belong to her!

Jonah is counting down seconds until the YMCA soccer season starts.  He can already do a flip up followed by several juggles and he has some pretty impressive tick tocks.  While he is only three and a half, he is tall and incredibly coordinated so we are already planning on bringing his birth certificate to the first several games just in case anyone questions his birthday.  His love for soccer can be seen in his clothing choices.  He now has three Messi Barca kits and if they are clean (and sometimes when they are not) he is wearing them.  Arthur got Jacob and James the new Barca uniform this past Christmas and when Jonah realized he didn't have one too, it nearly ended Christmas.  Let's just say that it was in the amazon cart before the next present was opened.



Scarlett seems to be moving through something that developed over the fall.  I think that Arthur's crazy work schedule coupled with a new baby joining the family created some uncertainty and shook her world a little bit.  Her confidence wavered and she got very clingy.  Thing that she had no problem doing, like going to play at a friends house or walking into dance class, brought her to tears and if I pushed she would shut down. She was constantly making me recite my plans for the day to ensure that the two of us would not be separated.  It has been a difficult phase for me to parent because I have to find the right balance.  I have explained to her that her world should be getting bigger not smaller and that it important to push through feeling uncomfortable so she can once again enjoy the things she likes to do.  We even recited some positive affirmations to get into the dance studio a couple of times.  So I am happy to report that I no longer have to sit inside the her dance class and she has had several play dates with no issues.  So while we are not completely on the other side of whatever this is, it is getting better and I think this experience is teaching her that she "can do hard things."

James is my baby whisperer.  He has a gentle soul and a pure heart.  If Skylar isn't screaming hysterically in car, it is because James is there comforting her.  He will sing to her, rock her car seat, hold in her pacifier, hold her hand...he will do whatever he can think of.  Last week, after trying everything, he got Jake and Scarlett to join him in a never ending trio of baby shark.  It worked!  She settled down almost immediately and was a sleep by the 4th or 5th round.  He is my go to when I need my hands, and it is obvious that she feels safe and secure in his arms.  But his desire to comfort and serve extends past our home.  I recently overheard a friend rave to another mom about how sweet and helpful James always is with her two little boys.  And several weeks ago, he hugged and pet another friends giant and very boisterous golden retriever to ensure that he remained still and quiet through their son's ordination to become a deacon.

Jacob has a big birthday coming up!  He is turning twelve!!  With the new changes in the church he was ordained to the office of a deacon a few weeks ago.  I remember how seriously he took his baptism.  There was a period of time he wasn't sure he was ready and thought that maybe he should wait because he was a little overwhelmed the weight of the covenants he would be making.  I was so impressed that at just 8 years old he understood how serious the promises we make at baptism are, or at least he understood enough to hesitate and consider is he was really ready.  Jake is still that same boy with that same deep understanding that defies his young age.  Last fall he told him that he was going to read his Book of Mormon and pray every night whether it was right for him to be ordained.  While I was proud of his ernest desire for personal revelation, I was also a little nervous.  What if January came, and he didn't feel ready or he hadn't received that "yes" he was seeking from the Lord?  I knew that no matter what, I needed to honor his choice.  He never shared with me what his "yes" felt like, but there was real conviction in his voice during his bishops interview and it was obvious that he felt ready to move forward.

We were able to join Kyle and his family when it was Kyle's turn to be ordained a few weeks later.

Due to Arthur's crazy work schedule, we did his ordination here at the house.  The circle included his Grandpa Dave, Kevin Long, Steve Nabrotsky, Rob Perry, and Dale Berry.  One of his best friends, Kyle, was also able to be there to support him.  Arthur gave him a beautiful blessing and talked about the Jake "taking his role as a leader."  The Spirit was strong in our home that night.  I am grateful that Jake decided to take this big step in his life and I am grateful for the example he is setting!  It is obvious that a transition is taking place, and Jake is getting ready to leave childhood behind.  I am sure it will be a transition for us all, but I pray that the Holy Ghost that he received at 8 and the priesthood he received this month, will help give us the support and guidance he will need as he makes the transition from boy to man.   

Now that Jake passes the sacrament, he wears his white shirt and a tie every week...Guess who wants to be just like him?

A (quick) School Recap

This post is for me...an attempt to organize the crazy of my brain.  Luckily, this blog has been neglected for so long that I doubt anyone who once followed it even remembers it exists.  That's okay.  I really did start is as a journal for myself with the idea that maybe one day my children would find it interesting get a glimpse of their childhood from my perspective.  Unfortunately, I have not been a great record keeper since Scarlett joined our family (minus, of course, the thousands of pictures stored on my computer).  But there has always been that little voice that nags me, begging for me to sit at the computer and record a memory of two.  So here I am...trying again.

Summer has just begun.  An entire school year is behind us.  A lot of life happened and school wasn't always the organized and structured experience I had envisioned when the academic year began.   However, as I reflect back to where each of my children was last summer and when I remember the academic goals we were shooting for, I can see that all the kids kept on learning through this particularly trying year for our family.

James' reading is taking off!  He just finished "Treasure Island" (an abridged version).  He read the first chapters aloud with me, but then, about half way through, he just started reading it all on his own.  I know reading is still work for him, but he is getting it.  He is reading with increased ease and he is retaining and comprehending what he reads.  I think that was his big academic milestone for his second grade year.  My hope for the coming year this at reaching for a book will become more natural for him.  Reading is the key to self education, and once he masters it he will be able to teach himself anything!

Jacob's focus has been writing, and that will continue into this next school year.  I do not push writing composition in early elementary because I believe children need to be confident fluent readers before they are ready to write.  I love the classic idea of learning writing through modeling, and IEW has been a great fit.  Jake's ability as a writer is growing with each paper, and he ended his Classical Conversation year with an 8 page research paper on Hercules (the assignment was three)!  He worked so hard on it and he presented it to his class with great pride!  This year, he will be doing IEW one more time (layered learning), but I will be taking another step (or two) back so he can use all the tools he has learned over the past two years with greater independence.

Scarlett, is still a firecracker.  She loves to learn and gets bored and restless quickly if she is not adequately engaged.  She the first child I have considered sending to convention school.  Not because she doesn't learn well from me, but because she craves constant attention and stimulation.  As one can imagine, that can get tricky for me to supply as a mother of four.  After much thought (and prayer), I have decided that, even in all its imperfection, home is still the best place for her.  She is incredibly quick!  She rarely needs me to explain something twice.  Addition and subtraction facts seem to be a breeze, phonics seem to clicking, her printing is clear, and she now insists on learning cursive like her brothers.  This coming year she would be starting kindergarten (if we were "normal" people), so academically she is moving right along.  School is not the challenge part in homeschooling Scarlett, it is helping her figure out what to do with herself when she not doing school.  I am hoping that a couple dance classes each week will help fill in the structure and challenge she craves.  

Last but not least, Jonah has grown in every way imaginable this year!  He is tall, he is strong, he is fast, and he is coordinated.  He loves all sports.  And practices his soccer touches nearly everyday! He continues to be the best cuddle bug and fills our home with his goofiness, infectious smile, and overflowing love.  As we approach his third birthday, I am constantly amazed at the things he says.  Not just because his vocabulary has exploded, but also the maturity of his phrasing and the critical thinking his questions and comments portray.  I need to be better about writing down some of them down!  I am also continually impressed by his emotional intelligence.  Jonah shows great empathy for others (he and Jamie have lots in common).  He is great at sharing and taking turns, and he is very clued in to how others feel.  If he sees another child crying, he will look at me knowingly and explain, "He wants his Momma!"

There were many times when I felt like I was failing my family this past year.  Life kind of broke me and I struggled to get up more days than I would like to admit.  But this year reminded me that learning doesn't need perfect lessons plans or weekly check lists in order to occur (not to say I am not striving to get back there).  I am grateful for another year of learning and growing with my children.  And above all I love that the majority of our time is spent together as time and childhood are two things that we can never get back.

Fall Family Photos -Thanksgiving Day

Yes, you could homeschool too!

Somehow another calendar year is almost complete!  Jake is rolling along in his firth grade year, Jamie is now a second grader, Scarlett is in her first year official year with Classical Conversations, and Jonah is right in the middle of it all!  Here is a look back at our first day of class (in our once a week co-op) back at the beginning of September.

When people learn we homeschool, I get a whole spectrum of responses.  Of course there is the standard, "Good for you!" Usually, though, they haven't taken a breath before that is followed by, "But I could NEVER do it!"  There is also the question that is so common I feel like it is more of a cliche:"What about socialization?!?" This is accompanied with a look of concern, and sometimes horror, for the children I obviously do not let out the attic (if we had one).

But lately, I am hearing more and more parents (moms especially) who generally want to know more.  I hear the hesitation in their voices as they ask, "How do you do it?" but I recognize that their real question is one they are asking themselves.  "Could I do it?" is what they really want to know.  I see the fear and doubt in their eyes, as I try to explain what homeschool looks like for us.

So here is what I want all of you, who are asking yourselves "Could I do it?" to know.  Yes, 100 percent yes!  This is what I have learned.  Homeschool moms don't have magical powers.  Patience increases as it is tested.  There is no such thing as balance.  Take it one day at a time!  Forget "school" and focus on education and a love of learning.  You don't stop being the best teacher for your child just because they turn 3...or 5...or even 10.  And you will never regret being a part of more of child's childhood.  Trust that if God wants this for you and your children, He will make it possible.  

Back to Blogging...for real this time!

I think I have started this blog about a million times in my head over the past several months.  Each "mental" blog starts out differently depending on my mood, the child I am focusing on in that minute, or memory I am anxious to record.  However in this season of life, there is little time to sit down and write the fleeting thoughts that dance around in my head.

There has been an overwhelming amount of newness in our lives lately.  We live in a new home in a new town.  We are in a new ward meeting lots of new people.  Even our business is new.  It has a new name, a new look, and by this fall a whole new identity as an actual restaurant.  Thinking back to were we started nearly four years ago, that piece alone feels almost unbelievable!  But as I am surrounded by all this newness, I am surprised at how comfortable I am with in it.  

I use to label myself as someone who hated change, as someone who didn't handle it well.  But somehow, here I am...handling it.  Maybe even handling it well...or at least not horribly.  I think it is because the most important things in my world really haven't changed at all.  Where we live is different, but the people that make it a home are still with me.  My ward may be different but the Gospel is still the same.  Honestly, I am grateful for all the change.  It feels fresh and clean.  It is a new start in a way, or at least an opportunity to reevaluate and reset.

Our three years in country feel like a crazy blur.  We had life begin and end in that home.  We created some beautiful memories and also experienced some of our greatest trials.  This move has been a gear shift, and it is just "us" once again.  I am excited for the place we are in now.  I am excited to see what the future holds, but I am also perfectly content in the moment I am in right now.  

 The kids continue to grow like weeds!  Jake will be in 5th grade next year and Jamie will be going into second.  Even though we continue to homeschool, I can still feel the change.  I came very close to tears talking a couple other moms about the end of another school year (at least for the "normal" public school kids).  We, of course, were talking about how quickly the time goes because well, it just does.  But in that moment I had such intense gratitude that the Lord prompted us to homeschool.  Because yes, it does go by heartbreaking fast (when you look back) but I have hardly missed a minute of it.  They are home with me and I am so blessed to share all of their childhoods with them.  I know I would have regretted it if I had given this precious time to anyone else.

So here are a couple of pictures of our crazy crew playing in front of our new home.  They are each other's best friends.  Scarlett is already crying about the boys attending a soccer day camp for four days next week.  She used to call them "her boys" and while she doesn't say the words out loud quite as often, I know those words are forever written on her heart.  She can't imagine her life without them...even just for a few days.  But I think she'll survive.  Anyway, i can't help but smile when i look at these pictures.  They perfectly capture the way they play together and love each other.  This is them...and this might be the greatest blessing of homeschool!