Water and Buckets

Schools out for Summer!

Okay, not entirely, but this is as close to "out for summer" as we have ever gotten.  Most days we are keeping up with our math, reading, and violin, but that is about it!  Long gone are the grammar lessons, spelling words, and history lessons!  Can you tell what has taken their place?

I am attempting to figure out a schedule that will work with the changes of the coming year.  We have decided to rejoin a Classical Conversations Community, but we are heading to Nashville to do it.  This commute sounds a little crazy until you factor in that both Jake and James will be playing for a soccer club in Nashville also.  But practices are only twice a week and they are held on the same night, so I actually think this will stream line things.  And with Arthur's business now operating 100% out of Nashville, it just makes the most sense.

As the ages of our kids continue to spread I am trying to be very conscious that the littles don't just get swept up into the activities of the older two.  I know that there are only so many hours in a day, but I am hoping to find some balance.  I want to make sure everyone gets what they need...and hopefully, some of what they want too.

My biggest regret of last year is that I didn't spend the time reading with Scarlett like I did when the boys were little.  So this coming year,  I want to make sure that Scarlett and Jonah are getting to hear all the little kid books rather than always listening to Mystery of History or Aesop's Fables.  They deserve some Good Night Moon and Corduroy too.

I try to remind myself that my real job as a homeschool mom is to educate my children and help them grow spiritually, emotionally, and academically.  Each day I try to add drops to their bucket.  I like this analogy particularly on the days (weeks or months) when progress feels slow or when "school" looks more like crazy life than the neatly organized schedule of Pinterest board dreams.  Scarlett can cracks eggs all by herself!  Drop!  Jamie passed off another song on his violin!  Drop!  Jake was able to calm himself down after getting frustrated with his math...before he really lost it!!  DROP!!  Jonah is so loved and protected by his older siblings!  Drops for everyone!

I am in a slight panic about how we are going to get it all done.  I have been doing this long enough to know that no matter what awesome schedule I come up with, there will still be lots of things left undone each day.  I am trying to learn to be okay with that. Sometimes it will be the laundry, other times it will be a clean kitchen, and some days I might look around and wonder if I got anything done other than keeping everyone alive.  Any mother will tell you that the list of to-dos is always longer than a day will allow, but add the schooling element and I think the list can feel even more daunting.  So instead of striving for an unattainable goal, I am starting this year excepting it is impossible.  That sounds motivating, right?  Just so you know, Jill, you have failed before you have even started!  Every day there will be things undone...lots of them!  Haha!  Luckily that isn't the direction my thoughts are going this time (at least this very minute).

Instead of get overwhelmed and defeated, I am using this reality check as a way to free myself a little.  I want to wake up each day and intentionally give that day to Christ.  I want to fill my days...our days in the way He would have me.  This past year has taught my that I cannot rely on my own strength to muscle myself through my life.  I have seen how quickly my own bucket dries up, and then I am left tired, burned out, and a shell of the mother/wife/woman I long to be.  I know that Lord has called me to homeschool my children...I also know that "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they should accomplish  the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)  So I need His strength, His vision, His perfect love, and His grace to show me that way this coming year.  If I can get out of my own way and let my Savior guide, He will fill all of our buckets.  After all, He is the Living Water.

Feeling the Light

I started writing this post in May, and while unfinished, I feel like it is important to record these words.  REWIND TO MAY:

I keep thinking I need to rename this thing The Lonely Blog because...I know, like that needs an explanation?  It is the middle of May and I haven't posted anything in months.

During the second half of 2016 and most of this new year, I have felt like I have been trying to drink from a fire hose.  It has been overwhelming and incredibly draining.  Anxiety and emotional exhaustion take turns overrunning my mind and suffocating my joy.

My life is beautiful, my life is so blessed...I do know how lucky I am.  But somehow knowing that, just makes those dark moments darker.  I know the beauty is here.  I can see it all around me.  So when I struggle to feel it, deep guilt and panic set in.  "Your children will never be this age again!"  "Everyday they get a little bit older."  "Soon they will be grown and gone and you will never get this time back."  "Do more!"  Do better!!"  "Time is running out!"

I think I am starting to feel better.  Or at least I feel better until I don't.  But those times of hopelessness do seem to be happening less and less...

FAST FORWARD TWO MONTHS

Well, it is now the beginning of July, and I can honestly say that I am starting to feel like me again.  Life's daily tasks don't feel so daunting and more of the light and beauty of my life is penetrating into my soul.

I am so grateful for my children, but this past year, it has been my sweet Jonah who has helped keep me grounded and present.  When the waves of anxiety and hopelessness would attempt to sweep me away he has been my tether.  There have been countless times where my solace has been found snuggling my squishy snuggly boy.  Gazing into his darkening hazel eyes, feeling the warmth of his chubby hands against my checks and chest, watching him drifting off to sleep...his peace becomes my peace.  In my arms, Jonah feels safe and loved, and holding him makes me feel the same things.  He is reminder of what really matters and what life is all about.  His life, here, has just begun and the beauty of the heavenly home he just left behind is still with him.

I listen to a talk today, at church, that touched my soul so deeply.  It reminded me that I am not just raising my children, I am raising brave and valiant children of my Heavenly Father.  They have been saved for this day, and they are here for a purpose.  I humbly pray that I will always see them as He sees them, so I can help them on their journey to become the men and women they were sent here to become.

I want my children to know that I have a testimony of Jesus Christ, God's only begotten son.  Too often I try to rely on my own strength and I know they see me struggle in that.  So I want to do a better job of relying on my Savior in all things.  I want to submit to His will and let Him make my weak things strong.  I want to do better than to just tell my children that I believe in Christ, I want them to see it in every aspect of my life.

Blank Pages of 2017

Hello 2017!!  I am actually so happy to see you!  Don't get me wrong 2016 was great!  It was filled with blessings, trials, lessons, and the birth of another beautiful boy.  We survived another year as a home school family and our little taco truck is thriving!

This past year, Jacob made the important decision to follow our Savior and he was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  The day was made even more special because my mom and dad as well as Arthur's cousin Robert were able to be here to support and celebrate Jacob's choice.  James spent the year working hard at learning to read, and I couldn't be more proud of the progress he has made.  He also continues to be an example of Christ like selflessness and kindness in our home every day.  Scarlett has blossomed from our crazy beautiful baby into a strong willed, smart, sweet, sassy, still crazy beautiful little girl.  She sees herself as one of the "big kids" now, and while it is always a little heartbreaking to watch the baby fade, I adore the girl she is growing into so much! Jonah has brought more joy and love into our family.  We delight in his smiles, giggles, and "fight" for his open mouth kisses.  I love watching our children's heart burst with unconditional love for him, and I know they are learning lessons of service and love that they will carry with them forever.

So here we are on the first day of a new year, and I feel nothing but excitement.  The coming year feels like a book of blank pages, but instead of feeling overwhelmed or having case of writer's block, I am just looking forward to filling them with my favorite people.

True to form, I did not get Christmas cards out again this year, but I did get some shots of my kiddos on Christmas day.  So for those of you who follow this little blog of mine please consider these pictures your Christmas card.  Merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years to you!

Not too sick for all our traditions

I had some pretty big plans for this week leading up to Christmas.  Okay maybe not big, but I have a plan.  I pictured our days full of Christmas baking, cookie decorating, and some Christmas crafts.  But so far our days (and nights) have been filled with tissues, body aches, hot tea, fevers, steamy showers, and even a throw up bowl.  Unless you count the Christmas movies we have watched, there has been a lot less Christmas cheer that I imagined, especially on Jonah's first Christmas.

But here we are, just 6 days before Christmas.  So rather than feel sorry for myself...or should I say after feeling sorry for myself, I decided that we needed to just go for it.  Since I think we are still a little too germs to start on Christmas treats, I thought ornament painting would be a safer bet.  I had Jake grab the craft paints while James set up the computer for some Christmas tunes.  And after I doled out everyone's previously selected ornaments, I of course, grabbed my camera.

That video of tiny James inspired me, so I started with a little camera time.  I am no videographer, but I know I will be grateful to have their childhood voices recorded.

And then about the time Jonah started to get annoyed in the background, I switched back to documenting things the way I am more comfortable.

 Here is to Christmas traditions and filling our tree with ornaments and memories of all our past Christmases.

Melancholy at Midnight

A silly video of my Jamie Do popped up today on my Facebook feed.  The video was from 4 years ago today.  Jamie, who had just celebrated his 2nd birthday, was performing a passionate rendition of "Happy Birthday" which upon my questions told me it was his birthday.  The video made me smile, laugh, and of course made me heart ache a little.  I wanted to reach out and scoop up that two year old James and just love on him.  I miss him being that little!  

Now he has just turned 6!  Luckily he is still that goofy sweet boy in the video, just not quite as small or squishy.  He still makes the same expressions and has the same little laugh when he knows he is being funny.  Isn't it beautiful that even though they grow and change so much there are parts of them that always stay the same?

But as I watched, I was reminded once again of just how fast it goes...just how bitter sweet this motherhood thing is.  Tears stream down my face as I type this because it is all so temporary, but that is what makes this...makes them so precious.  

So in honor of my emotional midnight blogging, here are my sleeping babies.  I may not be able to freeze time, but that is way I have a camera!

As painful as the reminder is, I am so grateful for it!  It is so easy for me to get caught up in the never ending list of to-dos.  I need to remember to slow down and embrace the beauty and joy I am blessed with.

Our Big Baby Jonah Bear

Blogging = Pictures.  There is no way around it.  When I sit down to write and I start to reflect, I immediately realize how behind I am at journaling this little life of ours.  This triggers the uncontrallable impulse to grab my camera and "capture a moment."

So the lucky winner of today's little photo shoot is our little Jonah Bear!  

His four month birthday is still a over a week away but according to my latest Osh Kosh order, he is the size of the average nine month old.  At 18.6 lbs, I am pretty sure he is trying to keep pace with his Grandpa Dave, who weighted something like 32 lbs on his 1st birthday.  All my babies have been chunky, but Jonah is our first "big" baby.  He is the first one to be setting the curves on the growth charts for weight and height.  He looks just like Jamie did as a baby, except he is literally twice the size.  We all love it even if carrying him around has become a serious work out!

When I was pregnant with Jonah, Arthur and I mentioned (more than once) how nice it would be if this new baby had a dispossession like James.  He has always been our sweet one.  Don't get me wrong, we adore Jacob and Scarlett, they are amazing, but James...he is just a little love!  And somehow it happened, so far Jonah is so much like our Jamie Do.  He seems to have a familiar sweetness to his older brother.  And like James, he is also a great little sleeper!  Besides waking up to eat, he has slept during the night since day one.  He actually tried to sleep through his birth.  He seriously didn't cry.  I was so terrified at how quiet he was and I was sure it was because his lungs weren't ready.  I actually tried to hand him to the nurse (cord still attached), but when she waved off the respiratory techs, I realized that he was actually just trying to sleep.

Now that he has finished his "forth" trimester, he is a little less sleepy, but he may actually have James beat as our best sleeper.  He rarely cries, and if he does it usually means he wants his Mommy.  He has the most amazing pouty lip and the most convincing "momma" cry.  But since he is usually in my arms or snuggled tight in the Moby wrap, he stays pretty content.  He has become quite the little talker.  I adore it when he stops eating just to tell me something as he gazes intently into my eyes.  Sometimes I am sure he is saying, "I love you."  His brothers and sisters can't get enough of him, and they have all developed their own little tricks to make him smile and laugh.

As evenident his amazing cheeks and countless rolls, our Jonah is also a stellar nurser!  But nursing is not just about the eating for this boy, it is also about the snuggles.  Jonah is such a cuddle bug!  The only problem is, Daddy and I are the only ones strong enough to hold him.  Jake still pitches in when I need a hand, but it isn't too long before he is begging me to take him back.  Scarlett and James have pretty much given up.  Jonah may be our baby, but I don't think he will be the littlest for long.  But large or small, Jonah fits perfectly into our family.  We love you Sweet Boy!

Loosing Myself in Them

I love taking pictures...especially of my kids, but the problem with taking them is that you are rarely in them.  So, even before Jonah was born, I decided that this time I was going to be in the pictures.  I have been stalking following a local photographer for several years now, and so picking a photographer was an easy choice.

The pictures were taken the day before Jonah turned one month.  When I received the final images last week I was amazed to see how much he has already grown (no, really...my 3 month old weighs 18.6 pounds and is showing no signs of slowing down).

I am in love with these pictures...even the few I am in.  There is something very symbolic to me about the posing...me sitting, surrounded almost completely, by my four amazing children.  People often caution, "Don't loose yourself in your children."  "One day they will grow up and leave," they warn.  And it is true.  One day (all too soon I am sure), they will grow up and begin lives of their own.  It is what they are suppose to do...what I am hopefully raising them to do.  But if not loosing myself in that process is part of the deal, than I have already failed.  And it is too late to go back now, the girl I was, nearly a decade ago, has been forever lost.   But I am okay with that.  Through motherhood, through this process of "loosing"  myself (more and more with each precious addition), I have realized that I am actually finding myself.  And even when they no longer physically surround me, I will still never be just me.  Each one of my children test and bless me in ways that forever alter me.   I am who I am because of them.  Just as I can see myself reflected in each of them, my children have become part of my own refection.

Motherhood, there is nothing else like it...