Extra Pieces

So far 2013 has not been easy on us.  The first obvious issue, Arthur is still gone.  While we have adjusted to being without him, it makes everyday a little harder.  There isn't a day that goes by, when I don't think, at least a thousand times, how much I wish he were here.  I feel like I am always operating at maximum capacity and just one extra thing...even a little one, is too much.  This is a start of a blog post I wrote just days into the new year...I am sure you can all relate.

"I woke up the other night to my sick and feverish James demanding something about "puzzle pieces."  He of course was somewhere between sleep and delirious, but as I snuggled him back to sleep, I couldn't help think it was weird that I had just, seconds before, been having my own very vivid dream about puzzle pieces.

It doesn't take someone skilled in dream symbolism to interpret this one.  It was pretty literal.  Each piece in the puzzle represent parts of my day to day life...little things like house hold chores, important things like family prayer and scripture study, new ideas for homeschool, wanting to write a weekly blog, excersize, visiting teaching...all good things right?

But as I looked at the partly completed puzzle and struggled to find where the rest of the pieces could go, I rememer feeling frusterated because I felt like if I could only put them together in the "right way" then surely all the pieces would fit.  They had too, right?"

Since writing this my puzzle has gotten even more messy...

We rang in the new year with fevers, coughs, and sleepless nights.  But with the help of steamy showers, at home breathing treatments, and humidifiers humming in the dark, we survived.  Now we were healthy, excited and ready to officially start our unofficial new homeschool year, right?

SIKE!

Life had other ideas, as it usually does.  A family emergency had me and the boys on a plane to California almost before I could say the word "normal," not to mention pack (pulling an all nighter is not just for procrastinating college students...nice to know those "skills" still come in handy).  So we spent the second half of January with family.  While our reason for being there was not a fun one, the boys enjoy any excuse to be spoiled rotten spend time with their Ama and Apa.  They even got some swimming lessons in with their Uncle Ethan.

But again it was definitely not the grand "start," to this new year, that I keep imagining.

We got home last week, and once again, I had big plans to jump right into things.  But I couldn't (at least not at the level I wanted).  I was physically, emotionally and spiritually spent.  As I struggled to move forward, I mentally berated myself for my short comings and felt guilty for dropping the ball.  It is strange how in one's low moments, all our insecurities creep in...even the old ones we thought we had outgrown.  And then, to top it off, James spiked a fever again (most likely some friendly virus how came home with us from the airplane) and spent the second half of the week feeling crummy.

But as I sank into that dark place where self pity and self criticizing meet, I couldn't help but remember the words of a blessing I received, several weeks back, when I was called to be the 2nd councilor in the Primary.  "Your Heavenly Father loves you," was repeated several times throughout this beautiful prayer.  Along with council about how I need to continue striving to follow the commandments and that if I do, I will be blessed and I will have the righteous desires of my heart.

I remember in that moment, as the tears streamed down my face, how much I needed to hear those words.  What I hadn't realized is how much I was going to need to remember those words.  The Lord knew what I did not, things we going to get harder.  And it is in these hard times, when the problems seem too big and the weight is just too much, it is in those moments that I always seem to forget to turn to the one place I need most.  In the past, I have often acted like a rebellious teen, getting angry, defiant, self absorbed.  I am trying to do things different this time, trying to turn to my Heavenly Father and trust in him guide me through it.  I am far from perfect at it, but I can't really expect my children to really learn things that I don't practice.  So I am doing my best, and counting on the Lord to make up the difference.  And I am finding that this time he is doing it with the help of some pretty incredible friends.  Friends who I am beyond blessed to have in my life.

This recent "aha" moment and new found gratitude (that I occurred during my therapeutic kitchen painting project), helped to motivate me and put some of the wind back in my sails.

My internal voice became a little kinder and much more positive.  "Less that three months till Arthur gets back, YES! we can do this!" I told myself.  Saturday I got the house all clean, Saturday night I got our homeschool planned and ready for the upcoming week, and I was so excited to go to church on Sunday I even had the kids clothes picked out.  This was going to be the start I had been waiting for all year...I could feel it.  That is, until minutes before my alarm sounded, Jake woke up...with the stomach flu.

Oh well...

Not just another day

Having a deployed spouse around the holidays gets a big reaction out of most people.  The most frequent question is whether or not Arthur will be home for the holidays.  And after giving me "that face" (you army wives know the one) or patting my children on the heads, they ask how we are handling "it" and then comment on how difficult it must be to celebrate alone.  I even had one woman say that we should just pretend that Christmas is just another day.  So after having many variations of this same conversation leading up to Christmas, I have over analyzed thought about how our family is "handling" our Christmas without Daddy here.

There is no way around it, having Daddy gone is hard...really hard.  As amazing as skype and magic jack are, nothing can substitute having the person you love right by your side.  But I have two little boys who deserve their Christmas to be special.  Their childhood is too short for me to pout (too much) about doing it solo.  So I am doing my best.  And as my mother keeps reminding me, that is call I can do

So Christmas is on, it will not just be another day nor was December just another month.  Our decorations are up (most of them), we have a beautiful tree that Jake carefully selected at Lowe's (it is probably the prettiest tree we have ever had), and Christmas music fills are home.  Stocking are hung (and monogrammed!), and thanks to Aunt Robyn's help, Santa will be be coming.

Unfortunately though, Santa threats don't really work on Jake.  I learned this the first time I tried to play that card back in November.  My explanation that Santa brings coal instead of presents to boys who are unkind to their brothers enlisted none of the fear or worry it had on me as a child.  Instead he responded with, "If Santa brings me coal, I'll just use it to help Daddy with the barbecue."  Well, I guess that is one way to turn lemons into lemonade, or in this case coal into pulled pork sandwiches.

James' enthusiasm and silly sweetness has definitely helped to keep this season bright.  He noticed every new decoration and ornament as I took them out, and wanted to touch and ask about each one.  And of course, my glass nativity display is like a magnet to his chubby little hands.  The presents under the tree, especially the ones that he knows belongs to him, also call to him each day.  Jake and I have to watch James carefully because, after this past birthday, this boy understands that exciting things are hidden beneath that colorful wrapping paper.  When we catch him trying to sneak away with his gifts he innocently states, "Present...for Christmas," and turns around and places it back under the tree.

Today he started singing Jingle Bells in sacrament meeting (loudly, clearly, complete with the "Hey!") He has learned many of the Christmas carols this year as we have driven around different neighborhoods to look at Christmas lights.  "Christmas Lights!  I like them!" he shouts with excitement as we pass the beautiful displays.  The wonder of children, especially at Christmas, is contagious.  You can almost not help but feel the magic with them.

However, I have also had to let a lot of things go.  For example, ginger bread houses just didn't happen this year.  The advent calender also didn't make the cut.  Yes, every time I get on facebook and see the cute things my friends have done with their kids, I feel the Mommy gilt begin to settle in.  And don't even get me started on pinterest...we are on a break until at least February.   I am trying to be okay with the fact that I can't do everything.  And honestly, maybe it a blessing because as some of the extra stuff has melted away, we have been left with what was at the center of this holiday in the first place...the Birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

The struggle and the challenges of having Arthur away, have made us all focus even more deeply on why we celebrate this day in the first place.  As Jake explained to me at church, several weeks ago, "It not the presents we should be excited about.  We should be excited because it is Jesus' Birthday."  He is exactly right.  No matter what we are going through in our lives we all have reason to celebrate the birth of our Redeemer.  So we are not pretending it is just another day.  Instead the boys and I have been focusing on Christ.  We have been learning about who he is, and why our Heavenly Father sent his beloved son to this earth.  When we know who Christ is and what is mission was, we can't help but feel like celebrating.

Last week at family home evening, as we discussed Christ love for them, Jake looked up from coloring his picture of Christ with the children and reverently said, "I feel like crying."  I explained to him that "feeling" was the Holy Ghost helping him know that the things Mommy was telling him were true.  And then just a few minutes later James looked down at his pictures and exclaimed, "Jesus loves ME!"

I am so grateful to know that He lives, and to be able to share with my children that the greatest gift any of us will ever receive has already been given. Christ suffered and died that we may find peace and joy in this life and so we can have eternal life with him and our Father in Heaven in the next one.

Dear Daddy...

Twinkling lights, Christmas jammies, Daddy dolls, and lots of letters to our brave soldier...

Merry Christmas

2012!

Four Year Old Firsts

It felt as though the second Jake blew out the four candles on that ferocious cheetah cake, his life began to change.

He is transitioning into this new phase of life.  One where he is developing his own interests, talents, and friendships.  I am not exactly sure how to put it into words, but little by little Jake feels less like a part of me and more and more of his own unique and autonomous person.  I know this is a process that will take years, maybe even a couple decades to complete.  But it has started...I can feel the subtle shift.  And while it breaks my heart (into a million tiny pieces) to watch my baby disappear into this "big" boy, I also can't help but be excited for as he starts on his unique journey.

In many ways, I feel like this year has had just as many firsts as his first year did.  However, instead of first words and first steps, he has moved on to first soccer goals and first violin recitals.  So here it is, another list, a list of Jacob's four year old firsts, so far...

1) I have already blogged about the first time he rode his bike without training wheels.  But it stills gets an honorable mention.  I am especially grateful it was a moment Jake could share with his Daddy just weeks before Arthur deployed.

2) Jake gave his first talk in Primary before Arthur left.  He told me he wanted to do a talk about race cars so I was so excited when we found a story in the Friend called "Cool Cars" all about sharing with one's little brother.  It was meant to be.  And then few weeks later he decided it was time bear his testimony in sacrament meeting...and then again in Primary later that same day.  The part that moved me the most is when he clearly and confidently stated, "I believe in the name of Jesus Christ."

3) Jake joined his first soccer team this fall.  After doing a couple summer camps, he was excited to play on a team.  They decided on "Space Angry Birds" as their name, and Jake and James are still doing the pregame cheer.

It was great, and really low key. Just a couple practices a week and a game of 3 on 3 or 4 on 4 with a different team each Saturday.  Robyn's favorite part was that the goals are left undefended and that the coaches actually run around on the field with their players.  My favorite part was watching Jake's caution and over analysis keep him a safe distance from the mob of kicking cleats.  The trouble is, that this generally kept him a pretty safe distance from the ball as well.

But the couple times that the ball was kicked his way, he had some pretty fancy foot work.  He even had his first break away, complete with a perfectly placed goal!  And after witnessing me cheer and almost cry, Robyn declared me an official soccer mom.

I don't know about all of that, but I was so proud of him and I think we will definitely do it again in the Spring.

4) Jake is reading his first words!  I could go on for days about all of Jake's (and James') success at home school, but I will save that for its own list.  For now I will just say that Jake has started on the road to reading and I know it will open up a whole new world for him!

5) Jake got his first filling today.  I know that sounds like a silly first to include, but he did amazing.  He was so brave, I don't think he even needed me in the room.  As the dentist leaned into numb him up, I got ready to jump up to squeeze his hand and comfort him, but he didn't even flinch.  I guess it was just a moment that caused me to sit back and take notice to what a confident and self assured boy he is becoming.  I love that he can speak for himself and that he has no difficulty articulated what he needs or how he feels, even in a situation that was new and intimidating.  I pray that this is a strength that will grow with him.

6) Jake just completed his first full semester with Ms. Robin, his violin teacher at Austin Peay.  And December 8th was his very first violin concert!!!

Obviously, this was a huge first for this year.  I was pretty confident he would be fine, but he was prefect!  The youngest by almost two years, he was a natural on that stage (I think he must have inherited that performing bug)!  He carried himself beautifully, every note in See Saw was clear, and he circled off with drama and flare.

Oh Jacob William,  you are still my cutest boy (the 1st).  It seems that before I had have even held you for the first time, people are already telling me...warning me really...about how "quickly" you would grow up.  And even though these frequent reminders got annoying, and even a little haunting, in many ways I am grateful for them.
As I have watched you grow, learn, and change this year I cannot argue that the time does go by fast...flies even.  There is hardly any more "baby" in our growing boy.  But I am lucky, because as I reflect back, I know that I didn't take any of your precious baby time for granted.  I have squeezed in as much holding and cuddling and snuggling as these years have allowed.  Even now, I love that you still find your way into my bed in the middle of every night and how you still want me to lay with you as you fall asleep.  You will always be my baby.  And I hope that as I look back at this time in your life, I will feel like we embraced this precious and exciting stage with the same fullness and joy.  We love you and are eternally grateful that you are ours.

Silver Linings and Snap Shots

Oh little blog it has been too long.  Honestly, I find myself mentally "writing" blog posts over and over the last few days...while I sweep, fold laundry, pick up the never ending trail of miniature dinosaurs and literally millions of tiny soldiers and race cars...I am mentally writing.  And since both children are both sleeping, at the exact same time, and it is before 11 o'clock, now is my chance. :-)

This is going to be a rambling blog...I have so many thoughts and so many moments I want to record...and never any time.  Okay, that is not entirely true, but sometimes staying up too late watching Hulu is the only thing I can manage at the end of the day.  But with the end of the year rapidly coming to a close, I feel like I better get typing.  Because as difficult as it is to have Arthur deployed, I am still blessed with the crazy beautiful life of raising our boys while he is away.  Within this trial I see all of us growing, changing, and becoming even more focused on what is important...and how can I not want to preserve that?

Since I have started this blog, I have always liked lists...there is something organized and stress free about them.  So I'd like to start with some of the silver linings during our deployment rain cloud.

At "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown" with my babies.  We miss Daddy, but we still have lots of fun!

1) The biggest and most undeniable blessing, is the way our entire family has turned to Christ.  For me it hit before Arthur left.  I was overcome with panic and anxiety about being alone and attempting to raise our boys without him.  That, combined with the fear and uncertainly of sending my husband off to war, was crippling.  I remember thinking over and over, "I cannot raise these babies alone!"  Then my father offered me some simple and inspied advice.  "Just get to sacrament meeting."  Even though a million excuses filled my mind, most of them involving my two busy boys, I also knew they were exactly reason I needed to get there.

Ready for church in California with our Tennessee style :-)

Since the decision, to follow my father's council, my life has taken a change for the better.  And each day, as I strive to a line my life with the will of my Savior and as I work to teach my children truth and light, I am blessed with a peace that I could never have thought possible during this time.  "Jesus loves me!" James told me tonight during family home evening.  Yes, he does.  And I am learning that if we do our best, he really will do the rest.

2) My boys are becoming best friends, and I think having Daddy gone has expedited that process.

They need each other in a way they wouldn't if Arthur was here.  James wants to be just like his big brother and Jake loves to show him everything he knows.

The other night, Jake helped James say family prayer.  I know, where is the video camera for that one?!  It was the sweetest thing ever (especially since James has a prayer voice that is an octave above us normal speaking voice).

I have also started to dress them exactly the same.  And while this fulfils a life long dream for me, it also keeps James happy.  However, he is specific.  If Jake's jacket is zipped, James' jacket must be zipped, and if Jake has his hood on, James will not be content until his is too.

If Jake wanted to, he could just drive us all crazy by taking his shoes on and off all day.  But usually he uses his big brother power for good...usually.  They still have their moments....lots of them...daily.  But even in those they are learning, I think.

3) When someone is gone, you miss them...

Quaint, I know.  But really, I know how amazing Arthur is.  I know that I am a better me when he is around.  I always say, "he keeps my feet on the ground."  But when someone is with you all the time, you can't help but take for granted the million little things.  Now that I don't have them, have him, they are so obvious.  I miss talking to him while I make dinner (and I miss having someone who will actually eat more than 3 bites of the dinner I make), I miss that new light bulbs go in before I have even realized the old one burned out, I miss his talent for for thought and planning, and I miss listening to him teach the boys to throw a football and the way the game always ends in a heap of "wrassling," tickling, and lots of laughing.  So while I look forward to the end of this deployment, when I get my husband back and boys have their Daddy, I also try to be grateful for a chance realize how lucky I am to have him.  I love you, Honey.  I am proud to be your wife and I am grateful to have you as my best friend and partner on this crazy ride called life.